When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
