im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
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I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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