I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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