He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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