I looked at my own cervix.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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