glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
