I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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