Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
