The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
