I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
