Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
