You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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