It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ttyl tear gas
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Im part way to drunk.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
