Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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