I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
