Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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