it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
