i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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