Im at strip club and am horny
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He? As in you personified your dick?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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