How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
