oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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