I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
