i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you have feelings for this penis?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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