i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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