Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
