Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
