he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
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I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
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He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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