i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Are we still banned from the library?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
