**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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