I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
barbara walters just said penis...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
