i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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