you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
