Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
