oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
