I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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