Your dad touched me again.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
