My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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