dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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