since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
