you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
