I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
