Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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