she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
