and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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