Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
