I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I supernannyed him into submission
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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