I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
