i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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