Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
