My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
