Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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