At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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