The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
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Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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